


The (After) Life Of The Party

by snnycarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Casual Sex, Developing Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 01:03:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20144989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: a songfic based on The (After) Life Of The Party by Fall Out Boy





	The (After) Life Of The Party

** _I'm a stitch away from making it_ **

** _and a scar away from falling apart, apart_ **

Sonny felt the weight of the world crashing down around him. He couldn’t keep going on like this. Shutting his own eyes just allowed for bright green ones to infiltrate his mind. Those eyes crinkling when he smiled, narrowing when he was deep in concentration, wide and curious, almost hungry when he watched Sonny undress. Rafael’s eyes, Rafael’s nose- everything that made Rafael filled him with feelings he couldn’t quite place, but he suspected love probably had a role in the cacophony that was his thoughts. 

** _Blood cells pixelate and eyes dilate_ **

** _and the full moon pills got me out on the streets at night_ **

In the comfort of darkness they could be together, really together. Bodies and minds intertwined, mingling together until neither knew where one man ended and the other began. After hours (and only then) in Rafael’s office or either of their bedrooms, they were safe to touch each other, consume each other. Pupils so blown that green and blue turned to black. Rafael was always stunning, but nothing could compare to the way he looked in Sonny’s bedroom, lying beneath the sheets catching his breath as he came down from an orgasm, when Sonny was still free to stare as much as he liked. 

But the thrill of the act was nothing compared to the pain of going without. In the squadroom, mutual staring and tender touches were replaced formalities and long looks when Sonny thought Rafael- and everyone else- wouldn’t notice. Rafael never stared back. 

Sonny just couldn’t help longing to be underneath the older man, it was an addiction, a disease he wished he could cure himself of and spare himself the confusion that came with it. But he just couldn’t. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

Sonny had always commended Rafael’s ability to compartmentalise; he was so good at it that it scared him a little. In the courtroom he would rip into the bad guys with harsh words and cold stares. In the squadroom he could tease Sonny in a way that was less than friendly and not look even the slightest bit apologetic when it hit a little too close. But in the bedroom, Sonny could almost  _ see  _ the switch in his demeanor, when he allowed himself to take off the mask of assholishness he wore day-to-day and let himself go. He stroked Sonny’s face and kissed him softly, even after sex when he had to go home to find a fresh suit for the day, God forbit he wear the same one twice. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

Watching Rafael from the galleries was like a religious experience. His well-tailored suits hugged his body in all the right places and the confidence in which he held himself just made him all the more attractive. And best of all, Sonny was free to admire his gorgeous figure, masking it as concentration on his legal skills. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

He wasn’t just beautiful, he was incredible. His ability to spin words to save even the weakest of cases never failed to leave a warm feeling in Sonny’s stomach, not that it lasted. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

Rafael was brilliant, and he deserved someone just as brilliant. But all he had was Sonny tying him down with the promise of casual sex that no longer felt casual. And who the hell was he? Some average law student who could never compare to the force that was the great Rafael Barba. Sonny was just a burden on him, he knew that, he just couldn’t bring himself to do the selfless thing and give him up. 

** _Oh, put love on hold_ **

** _Young Hollywood is on the other line_ **

Their jobs always came first, that was implied. They wouldn’t talk about whatever there was between them and what it could turn into, it would put their careers in jeopardy in neither was willing to face the consequences of that. No matter how badly Sonny wanted him, he understood why outside of the bedroom Rafael kept his distance. He used to do the same, but it was getting harder to pretend like he could only have the older man temporarily. He wanted exclusivity. He wanted tenderness outside of sex. He wanted to walk down the street holding his hand, showing the world just how lucky he was to have such a perfect man.

** _Nose runs ruby red_ **

The fact that he would never be able to have these things, not if he wanted his worklife to stay as it was, hurt more than he would like to admit. 

** _Deaths in a double bed_ **

For now, they were stuck in the purgatory between lovers and coworkers. Never friends, that would only make it more complicated. They had their fun in secret, then went home or to work and acted like nothing ever happened. Sometimes Sonny wondered who they were acting for, the outside world or themselves? It didn’t matter, not really. He would still never get what he wanted, even if he couldn’t admit he wanted it outloud, it wouldn't make a difference. 

** _Singing songs that could only catch the ear the of the desperate_ **

So there he was, sitting in the galleries watching the man he was finally starting to accept that he was in love with just doing his job while Sonny himself could barely focus on anything except him. It was eating away at him in the worst way, and he knew he needed to do something. 

He had to make Rafael choose between him and his life as it was. He could no longer have both, and he sure as hell was not going to be the one to make the decision. He watched, and he waited for court to be dismissed, not really hearing or seeing anything around him but Rafael. 

Sonny’s poker face had gotten much better in the past few months, and he was sure he looked perfectly fine to Olivia and Amanda who sat on either side of him, maybe a little tired but who with a full time job wasn’t? If he wanted comfort, he definitely wasn’t getting it here. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

“Ra- Barba, can I have a word?” He tugged at Rafael’s sleeve on his way out of the courtroom. Olivia and Amanda stood next to him, he had to keep up performances of a formality that hadn’t existed between them for months.

“Sure…” Rafael replied, somewhat hesitantly, and the pair walked together to find a nook in the corridors to talk. 

“Raf, I can’t keep doing this.” It was a simple statement, but so much emotion was held in those six words, Sonny swore Rafael looked a little bit winded. 

He said nothing for what felt like hours to Sonny, but was probably only a minute or so, and then offered a quiet but firm, “okay.”

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

“Just ‘okay’? That’s all you have to say?” He didn’t know what he expected, if it was for Rafael to fight him or to fight for him, but nonchalance was not it. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Carisi,” the use of his surname stung, probably more than Rafael had intended it to. “But if you want out, I’m not going to force you into anything.” 

“I-” he paused, considering how much of himself he should expose to the lawyer right there in the courthouse, “I don’t  _ want  _ out, I  _ need  _ out. I want to be with you, because I care about you a lot, but getting what I want would fuck us both over, and you know I’m a terrible actor, Rafael, it takes so much out of me to pretend we’re not even close enough to be friends.”

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

“We’re not friends.” Rafael muttered. 

“Yeah, you’re right we’re not.”

“So… you’re done? It’s over?” Sonny couldn’t get a read on him, he was too good at putting on a neutral face and masking his feelings, but Sonny suspected there was something underneath. This gave him hope. 

“If you want it to be. It’s all or nothing, Rafael, and I just don't think I can choose.”

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

Rafael opened his mouth and promptly shut it again, his hand twitched by his side as if he considered reaching out before thinking better of it. For a long moment, he just stood there, staring at Sonny like he would somehow find the solution inside those ocean blue eyes. 

Then, he clamped his lips shut, and nodded. “Okay. It’s over.” 

Just like that, he turned and walked out of Sonny’s life. 

** _I’m a stitch away from making it_ **

** _and a scar away from falling apart, apart_ **

Back in his apartment that night, alone, Sonny just felt empty. This was his own fault, he was the one that had forced Rafael’s hand in leaving him- if you could even call it that- and he was sure he was the only one so affected by it. Rafael was probably fine, had probably already moved on to some new fresh-faced night school student to mentor by day and fuck by night. 

All Sonny knew for sure was that he really needed a drink. 

** _Blood cells pixelate and eyes dilate_ **

There was a gay-bar a few blocks away from his apartment he could easily walk to and find his way home again when he had gotten inevitably wasted. He could even bring someone home with him, afterall, sleeping around was surely the best way to move on from the affair. 

He didn’t even bother changing out of his suit, grabbing his phone and wallet to get out of the silent apartment that was driving him insane. But before he could leave, there was a loud banging on his front door. 

Cautiously peering through the peephole, Sonny let out a breath he didn’t he had been holding. 

** _Kiss away young thrills and kills on the mouths of all my friends_ **

Rafael stood somewhat sheepishly on Sonny’s doorstep, looking uncharacteristically insecure and jittery with his work clothes still on, but far more rumpled than they had been in court that morning- it made Sonny’s heart sing. 

The second his door was open, Rafael’s lips met his own and he felt at home again. The kiss was warm, passionate but surprisingly non-sexual, and held so much uncertainty it almost made Sonny want to break away and reassure Rafael that this was the right thing to do- almost. 

Rafael’s smooth hands were on the back of Sonny’s neck and he felt the familiar end-of-the-day stubble brush against his jaw as he inhaled the scent of  _ him  _ he loved so much. Being with Rafael really was like an addiction, and right now Sonny was getting his fix. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

“I didn’t picture you as a grand gesture kind of guy, councillor.” Sonny muttered when they finally broke apart. 

Rafael shot him a look that showed he was not amused, and once again Sonny saw the mask come off as he prepared to speak honestly about his feelings. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

“Sonny, I’m going to be honest, I really don’t know what I want. And I have no idea if what’s going on here can work out or what it even is, I really don’t but,” he paused and sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t think I want it to stop, not now at least.” 

This was not exactly the response Sonny was looking for. Not that he had expected Rafael to turn up at his house ‘Love, Actually’ style, with grand confessions of love and be swept off his feet and carried off to a white horse they’ll ride together into the sunset, but he had wanted a little more certainty. 

“Can that just be enough for now?”

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

Sonny considered this. If he said yes, it was enough, he would be putting himself right back in that place of uncertainty, confusion and emotional exhaustion he had just taken himself out of. Sure, Rafael would be right there with him in it, but that wasn’t exactly comforting. 

If he said no, he knew he would regret for as long as he was alive, despite how dramatic that sounded. 

Rafael looked so open, vulnerable in a way he had never seen before and it made him want to dive into his lips all over again. 

** _Cut it loose, watch you work the room_ **

“Yeah. It’s enough.” 

** _I’m a stitch away..._ **

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment if you enjoyed!
> 
> twitter is @transcarisi


End file.
